Summer Mania

So I am jumping on this thing because I am not sure how soon I will have the opportunity to jump back on this thing. i am supposed to move the week of the 11th (June), go on vacation will family the follwing week, sister's 30th is the following week, & then all o f a sudden it's getting to July 4th. This summer is definitely got a lot more going on then last summer, but I am totally ok with it. went to the hpuse closing yesterday & everything is on track. I will get settled in to my castle this summer at my leisure, which is what I was shooting for. I can't believe that I ever thought that I would have time to move over Spring Break.....glad that one didn't come into fruition. This is totally how it was all supposed to fall into place..............cool.

Moving Mode

So I am in the process of moving out. It's a daunting task, as I have lived at this apartment longer than others....a whole big 3 years almost!!! On top of that process, i had to move my classroom last week on the last day of school because I might be transferred to another school in the fall. Needless to say, I am totally in moving mode. I am trying to be more organzised than in the past, as I now have a garage to put items in. I am exciited about the fact that all of my storage will be in its own spot, & not amongst a lot of things in my closets as well. It's a chance for me to really work on organization, which is a battle for me always.

At any rate, this 1st week of school that I have off I am already sick of being stuck in my apartmeent for the upcomign move, but I just want it out of the way & behind me so I can try to enjoy a bit of summer before I move around June 11th. I am heading up top Indy this weekend for the Gwen Stefani concert. Should be a good time, & will probably be the last time that I head up to Deer Creek (aka Verizon Music Ceneter) before they close it at the end of the year. Additionally, I have to save my money because I am going to Lollapalooza in Chicago this year, a music festival that I haVE ALWAYS wanted to go to but haven't had the chance. it is the weekend before school starts so it will be my kickoff to the new school year, kinda ....hee hee

Speaker of the house......not

I recently bragged to someone that I no longer have any fear of public speaking. I maintained that having been a teacher gave me sort of a barrier against it. I am totally used to standing up in front of people and asking things of them or telling them to do things. I thought I just wasn't prone to fear anymore in front of groups.

I think I have just got so used to being in front of kids so much that I am losing my pinache with people that are over 12. "Note to self---work on being a more interesting, thoughtful, and witty person."

At any rate, I do not enjoy being the center of attention at all. I seem to get it by default. Whether it be locking my keys in the car 2 days in a row & having AAA know me by name, or something of the like---I seem to attract the wrong kind of attention sometimes.

I remember when I first got the realization of my fear of getting up front in a group. I had to speak in front of colleauges and realized pretty quickly that an ex boyfriend was in the audience. Drats!!! Creeping doom!!!

I start feeling these welps on my neck.

I can feel myself getting hotter and hotter.

I am praying no one can tell.

Now I am done.
I am gonna pretend that I am excusing myself to go to the bathroom to check to make sure that I am not going to throw up in front of everyone.
It was as bad as I thought, like a bad dream. The redness was everywhere. I hate blushing. It's so obvious. It's like a huge sign on my forehead that says "I care what people think about me."

I thought I was more comfortable in my skin as I got older.
Where did this blushing idiot girl come from?

The Hardest Part --4th quarter

I guess it is healthier to cry than not to cry, but I am tired of going to work looking like hell because I have blubbered over a news story in the car. I guess I need to invest in some waterproof mascara.

Right now we are at the middle point of our 4th quarter and so I am sitting here trying to analyze how my kiddos are doing and it is driving me crazy. As the months roll along it becomes more and more evident that at least for me teaching 5th grade the hardest part of my job is trying to distinguish between when a student really does not get what I am teaching and when they really just do not give a s**t. A part of being an 11/12 year old is learning how to keep a lot of different balls in the air - school, friends, family, friends, sports, friends, clubs, friends...it is just so important that they learn how to juggle efficiently. So even some of my really bright kids will drop that "school" ball every now and then but it is so hard to figure out if the bad grades are due to them or just poor teaching.

- my head is spinning off looking at all the variables here. ggggrrrrrrrr

Heartbreak

When you don't blog forever you feel as though you should have something earth shattering to say in order to post again. I don't.

Teachers are people, too: our relatives pass away, long and loving relationships end, family members get illnesses, and all the other sad transitions of life take place from time to time. Each person deals with this differently, some becoming angry at the world, grouchy with students and colleagues, others desperate to go home and sleep, still others pushing it out of their minds during the school day, using the busy-ness of the school day to get through a few more hours. But in a tiny school like mine, we all feel the impact of each other's personal heartbreaks . My heart aches for my friend today & I am unable to keep a smile on my face in the teacher's lounge. They all know something's wrong when I am not giddy by this time of the day.

I told the kids why I was gone the other day. Ashley gave me a sympathy card. How thoughtful is she?

Grading is a Monster

Well, so far in this amount of school days, I've improvised classes, quickly read a chapter to then explain it in all its details (read time: 10 minutes, class time: 60 minutes), I decided to introduce Project Management as something they need to learn and even have each group working on a monster project of building a city and in a couple of days to demonstrate to me their understanding of a geometry unit.

Class time is one thing - I've also had to learn the hard way that grading is a monster that takes over your life - and that many hours can be wasted - oops! - SPENT - correcting and assigning grades and trying not to be judgemental.

Changes

"The man who looks for security, even in the mind, is like a man who would chop off his limbs in order to have artificial ones which will give him no pain or trouble. "
~Henry Miller

As I sipped my Starbucks the other morning in perfect, unknowing bliss, I was completely unaware of any of the developments that were coming my way. I had briefly given thought about the sky falling inevitably since life had been going so great for such an extended period of time, but my conflict -avoidance personality disorder usually runs those thoughts off pretty quickly. Everyday life, within a matter of mere hours can change the journey. Of course, who the hell knows why---but it happens.

Take for instance last week. I remember thinking to myself as I was putting my groceries in the car in the pouring rain that I needed to go back inside. Unknowingly, I had not paid for items that I left at the bottom of the cart. I rememnber saying to myself. "self, you need to turn the car around and pay for the items or your karma will be screwed." I shrugged it off as a mistake and went about my day, trying not to get soaked again in the process. That seemed to put into motion a series of events that will be hard to get back. After all, they are the past, no looking back.

In between that time I have had some completely random stuff happen. I know it's that time of change again for me. It happens like every three years for me, & that time has quickly come around again. I am glad that I don't have to reinvent the wheel again. That's one of the advantages of age. However, it doesn't make it any more easier sometimes. I guess I will just look at this a year from now & giggle that I was being so philosophical about somethong so little.